sometimes I think this life is never going to end.
one day passes and it could be immaculate. Emphasized energy, smiles all around the city, maybe even a compliment from someone I had never met before their words were directed to me. And then the next day is horrific, fear follows me and I worry that something bad is going to happen even if it only happens in a dream. There have been so many memories in this one lifetime and I am still societally young. Often times I wonder if I am remembering things correctly, or if my memories are just blocked because there were too many times I processed trauma.
I flew across the ocean the other day and started a whole new life. I did the thing that everyone writes movies about, or I am doing it. The famous start your life for you, where you are all alone and it never lines up quite the same way as you are told it will. Even if an actual human tells you their story about it. We often don’t talk about the hard part of it, all the days of tears on the floor, endless questions about your path, if there even is a path. I was on the internet last night and scrolling through that mindless screen we all watch for more of the hours of our lives than we actually live, where I found this video talking about NDE, or near death experiences. The video wrapped together einstein and his world of energy and the removal of time and the idea that we all exist at once, but even more than that the girl who was speaking almost verbatim for scientific thought was intertwining alternate realities with the concept of the removal of time. She questioned that if all of your alternate realities have one moment in them that is the same as all the other alternate realities then who is to say there are any alternate realities at all? and this looped into the idea that an NDE is actually a moment where one alternate reality died and the next continued moving. This was referred to as a moment of deja vu.
So let’s put it into a more understandable context. One day, I was living in Hawaii (this is where I just moved from and was flying from in section one text). So this memory happens a couple of months into my living in Hawaii and boy am I a newbie. I was no island girl, lemme tell you. I knew absolutely nothing about the ocean or how to live around it because I grew up where there was no ocean. And this day, it was winter in Hawaii, which felt like summer to me but who was I to know the ocean changed that much back then. I walked out by the ocean because there was this big stretch of sand that was so soft and flat. I had assumed the waves had gone down since high tide and that was the cause of the newly washed sand. So I walked on it towards the water, absolutely enamored by the beauty of the sunset happening, and there was this little loop around me where the water was a bit deeper on my right, maybe a foot deep. Crystal clear and moving as the ocean does. So I am watching it for a moment and get excited, I look to my right at my partner during that moment to smile and show my excitement. My head turns and within seconds my feet are hit by a wave, soaking up to a few inches above my ankles. Two seconds after that, I was hit by another wave, this one crashed into the back of my knees and knocked me into the water. My smile was gone, I went to pick myself up by the time a third wave had hit me and pushed me into what used to be the 1 foot of water, and was now 6–8 feet deep. The water was so strong that I could not fight my way out. I knew from being younger and traveling to the beach that if you get caught in a current, you don't fight and you swim to the side if you get pulled out. So I let go.
The water didn't pull me out, and several minutes passed before I could feel the current calm enough for me to use my body again. I picked myself up out of the water, my full body of clothing soaking wet. I walked onto the sand and began to hysterically laugh. I was processing the concept that I could've just died. Here’s where we loop. Remember at the beginning, that video where that girl talked about all alternate realities being one?
What if I did die at that moment. What if, my realities switched because my soul wasn't done on earth. And just like that, my brain remembers a traumatic memory in place of another reality where I didn't make it out of that water.
Now if you think about it too hard, you can fall into rabbit holes where you can see the Mandela effect and the way some things are remembered across this reality differently than we remember them originally being. Like “jiffy” peanut butter, except it's JIF. Don’t ask me where the confusion is.
Now, me writing this right now, I haven’t written an article in over a year. I cannot even remember the last one I wrote. But I flew across the ocean the other day, wait, deja vu. I feel like I already said that.. I did.
I was building up to this flight the other day for weeks. I knew I was moving, but there was something icky about it. Not icky, but exciting and uncomfortable at the same time. I allowed myself to believe that it was just the nerves of starting a new life, all alone. The spiritual saying going around right now is “jumping timelines” which cracks me up considering this concept we just talked about. And I knew, deep inside me, that on this flight I was jumping timelines. But even deeper than that, I had several people in my life telling me that something BIG was happening on that flight for me.
But I got here. And oddly, everything feels a bit normal in my present reality, a little lonely, a little distanced from everyone in my life. But wait, I felt so close and connected to everyone before, how could that change on the span of one flight? unless…
maybe I died. Maybe I touched a moment where all my realities aligned and I ended up in a different one, one where I didn’t die.
